


Oh, take me back to the start

by CatelynTsukino



Series: Endgame Stories [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, F/M, Gen, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:27:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25998991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatelynTsukino/pseuds/CatelynTsukino
Summary: Steve is gravely injured in the Battle of Wakanda, and wakes up with no memories of his life post-serum. The Avengers unite to help him remember himself, but will it be enough?
Relationships: Steve Rogers & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov
Series: Endgame Stories [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1811425
Comments: 6
Kudos: 47





	Oh, take me back to the start

It was Natasha who found him.

Thor told her he saw Barnes turning to dust shortly after Thanos left. Okoye had just warned them of King T'Challa's death, saying he was dusted right as he tried to help her stand up. Rhodes said he didn't find Sam, but he saw dust rising from where he supposedly was. The trio had gathered in the middle of the forest, around Vision's body (the dust on him clearly belonged to Wanda), along with Bruce and Thor.

But Steve was nowhere to be found.

Her heart was in her throat. No, not Steve, not him. Not her years-long partner-in-crime. Not the person she trusted most—not the person who trusted _her_ the most.

Ignoring Bruce's calls, she ran, trying to remember where she had last seen him. It wasn't easy; every part of that forest looked the same. She didn't know how long it took, but eventually she found him.

Not dusted; good. Breathing; also good. Blood on his forehead and on the soil; _not_ good. Lying unconscious on the ground; _not_ _good at all_.

Her screams for help guided the others, for they reached her faster than she had reached Steve. After that, everything was a blur. Later, she could barely recall Thor's firm grip on her shoulder as Rhodes and Bruce took Steve to the main building. Next thing she knew, she was in a room, alone, waiting for news that seemed to never come.

Eventually, a woman appeared. There had been no knocking; apparently she was so numb to the world she hadn't bothered locking the door. "Miss Romanov", the woman called gently. She wasn't Princess Shuri; this one was older and her face was a little more rounded. "I've come with news on Captain Rogers' health status."

She abruptly stood up from her bed and, ignoring the dizziness that came, asked, "H-how is he?"

If the woman noticed her voice faltering, she didn't show. "We've managed to stop the bleeding through a small procedure. However, there was significant damage on his brain tissue, and we believe he'll stay comatose for a while. We cannot tell how long." She sighed. "Had Princess Shuri been here, I'm sure we'd have gotten better results, but she perished in the aftermath of the battle."

Natasha nodded. "Thank you for telling me", she said. "Has he been moved to a room yet?"

"Yes. Do you want me to take you there?"

"Please."

* * *

When she arrived on Earth—at New York City, she noted as she saw the iconic buildings that made the city so remarkable—Agent Coulson was there to greet her, but not Fury.

"I'm sorry, Danvers", he said, sadness clear on his face, "but he was dusted."

She already knew what 'dusted' meant, of course. She had seen it on the planet she was at when it all began.

Coulson was mostly bald now, and the few hair he carried was turning grey. Everything about him spoke to exhaustion. "I wish Fury had used that pager sooner", he said he guided her through a building. "You'd have been useful many times before all of this. Have you ever visited Earth after that?"

She shook her head. "Every time I thought about coming back, something would demand my immediate attention. The few free times I had, I was too far away."

Looking back, in the light of so many deaths, she regretted not making more effort to pay a visit. Fury, Coulson, Maria, Monica… not once she bothered to see if they were okay, or even alive. Now Fury was gone, her best friend and her goddaughter nowhere to be found (she ran to her old home to see if they were there; nothing, no trace of life).

"What happened?", she asked, trying to keep her voice steady.

"We don't really know", he said truthfully. "It's been a week, but no news so far. All we know is that there had been abnormal activity in Wakanda, but the Avengers have yet to send word."

"Wakanda? Avengers?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. This is all new to you, indeed. Let me debrief you."

Coulson told her all about 'Earth's mightiest heroes. She didn't tell him her nickname in the Air Force was 'Avenger'. If he didn't know, maybe it wasn't her place to tell. Instead, she listened to him talking about Wakanda and the Black Panther. "Where is it?", she asked when he finished.

There was no one to tell goodbye to, so she simply took flight. It took less than an hour to get to Wakanda, and she was greeted by devastation all around.

* * *

When he woke up, he and Blue Meanie were already on their way to Earth. "A woman is carrying us", Nebula explained. "She looks human. Do you Terrans usually have powers?"

He shook his head, too weak to answer but not weak enough not to wonder what kind of person this woman was, how she found them and why she was taking them to Earth with her bare hands.

They didn't land on New York, but Pepper was there for him anyway. "Came here as soon as I was told she'd be looking for you", she said as she hugged him.

"I lost the kid, Pepper", he mumbled. "I lost Peter."

She hugged him tighter, but said nothing. She knew there was nothing that could be said or done to remedy the pain. Things went fast after that. He was taken to a medical wing, and later he was told he was in and out of consciousness for hours. When he woke up for good, it wasn't Pepper who was at his bedside, but Rhodey.

"Hey, Rhodey", he greeted, voice hoarse.

"Hey, Tony", he replied. "Need anything?"

"Water… and updates. What happened here?" Thanos must have come to Earth, given he obviously succeeded. Who was gone? Who was still there?

Rhodey grabbed a bottle of water. As he drank it, he began his tale. Thanos' minions came first, looking for Vision. Shuri tried to extract the Mind Stone from him without shutting him down, but both were attacked and had to flee before the procedure was complete. He and Bruce had come to Wakanda after Rogers and Romanov showed up at the old headquarters. Wilson, Barnes and Wanda had been in the battle too. Thor showed mid battle with two weird-looking aliens.

Then Thanos came, and nobody was able to stop him from killing Vision to get the final Infinity Stone. "Thor attacked him, and for a moment we thought there was hope, but his magical axe hit his stomach. Not enough to stop him from snapping."

T'Challa, Wilson, Barnes, Wanda, Princess Shuri and an alien were dusted. Bruce and Thor were physically fine, but mentally wrecked, as was the other alien. Romanov had been injured, but healed fine.

"And Rogers?", he asked, frowning at the absence of his former teammate and friend in Rhodey's list. Barton and Lang were missing too, but he assumed they just hadn't been found in time; if he recalled correctly, both were in home arrest.

Rhodey sighed. "Comatose since then", he replied somberly. "He was last seen running to Thanos, and then Natasha found him lying on the ground with blood on his head. The doctors said some brain damage was inflicted, and there is no guarantee when he'll wake up, or even _if_ he will."

Tony took a deep breath and pressed himself further against the hospital bed. "How's Romanov? They've always been close..."

"Yeah, she's wrecked. Spends more time in his room than anywhere else. Started eating on her own a week ago, I think." He sighed. "They have been together on the run for two years, with Sam, Wanda, Vision… only she and Steve are left, and Steve barely counts. The only other people she asked about were you, Fury and Barton. That superwoman said Fury was reported as dead, and Barton was seen alive days after the dusting, but has gone missing for a while."

He yawned, and Rhodey took it as an excuse to leave, promising to fetch Pepper. Alone, he let his mind wander. His memories of Steve made his heart ache a little. How many times didn't he wish to fix things between them, only to give up because he didn't know how? How many other times didn't he wish _Steve_ contacted him to apologize?

They had never been close friends. They disagree more than agreed, and often had fights (mild, but fights nonetheless). Still, he had _cared_ for the captain, and sometimes he believed the other man cared too. It was hard not to question that when he threw the shield away for Barnes, but then he thought, what if it had been Rhodey? Wouldn't he have done the same?

He never reached a clear conclusion, despite his high IQ, but his reflections were enough for him to at least understand what Steve had done. He just didn't know how to reach him to actually make amends. To truly forgive him and move on.

But now he might never have the chance. Once again, he could be too late.

He fell asleep before Pepper came back.

* * *

They managed to drag Natasha away under the premise they'd chase Thanos to kill him and the promise Banner would watch over the Captain.

She was worse than he was, which was odd given she wasn't the one who failed at the last minute. It wasn't her axe that didn't go for the head. Then again, as the rabbit so kindly put it, they all had a fault to carry.

Finishing Thanos off wasn't nearly as satisfying as once it would have been. Maybe because they had been too late; the Infinity Stones had been destroyed by the titan himself, preventing anyone from undoing his work.

There wasn't much time for his brothers and sisters-in-arms afterwards. Valkyrie had arrived on Earth with the remaining Asgardians, and he had duties as king. Not that he actually _did_ much; he found himself unable to do anything useful most of the time.

His fellow Avengers (namely Stark, Banner and Romanov) tried to keep in touch, but seeing them required a courage he no longer had. He spent his days playing what Midgardians called 'video games', which were quite entertaining. He could fight and kill without actually fighting and killing, so he had the thrill of action without facing real consequences.

He could not tell how long had it been since he last saw anyone from outside New Asgard when Stark burst into his shack. "Cap's awake", he simply said, "and needs your help".

Anything else, and he would have said no. But the Captain had always been a good friend, and he vaguely remembered he was almost worthy of his old hammer. So he stood up, got dressed, and followed Stark.

* * *

When he opened his eyes, he was met with a white ceiling. His first conclusion was that he had passed out while the serum worked out. He could _feel_ himself larger and taller than he had ever been, so it must have worked.

However, he felt his face tinkle; upon touching it, he realized it was a beard. That made no sense; he never let his facial hair grow. Its presence could only mean he had been unconscious for longer than he initially assumed.

Where was Doctor Erskine? Howard Stark? Peggy Carter?

Making more effort than he presumably should, he sat down and looked around. He was dressed in a hospital gown, which fit his theory that he stayed unconscious for some time (days, probably). The room itself looked… uncanny. Something was wrong, though he couldn't tell why.

Then someone bursted inside and shouted his first name. A woman with blonde short hair, wearing black leather jacket and pants. She didn't look like Peggy at all—or anyone he knew, for that matter. She seemed familiar with him, though, as she moved closer. "You woke up", she whispered, more to herself than to him. "Are you feeling alright?"

He blinked, and it took a short while for him to answer. "My head hurts a bit, but otherwise I'm fine. Excuse me, ma'am, how long have I been asleep?"

It was as if he had drawn a pistol and pointed at her. The woman jerked away from his bed and took a couple steps behind. "Do you… not know me?"

He shook his head. "No… was I supposed to?"

She looked on the verge of tears now, though something told him she wasn't the type to cry. "What day was it when you were last awake?"

He frowned, trying to remember the exact date, but failed. "I don't know the day, but March 1943. Is it… April? May?" Maybe it was already 1944, and there was no war anymore.

The woman's mouth opened agape, shaped like an 'O'. Then she shook her head. "No, Steve—I mean, today is October 3rd… of _2019_."

What?

"I'm sorry, ma'am, are you saying I've been asleep for… what, eighty years?"

Again, she shook her head. "No. It's a… long story, one I can explain after the doctors examine you, but… you've been comatose for a year and a half after being hit on the head. You've lost… roughly a decade of memories, Steve."

* * *

A team of doctors evaluated him, led by Bruce Banner, another someone he was supposed to know. After testing his bodily functions and running some tests, Dr. Banner told him that, aside from amnesia, everything was perfectly fine.

"It's a miracle, honestly", he said. "We thought you'd never wake up."

He was in New York, though he had yet to see how much the city changed in 76 years. After being discharged, he was taken to a room located in the same building, but on a different floor. There, he met Howard Stark's son, Tony, and met the woman again, who this time introduced herself as Natasha Romanov. Little by little, the two of them told him about what he couldn't remember.

Contrary to his initial assumption, he had reportedly stayed awake during the whole procedure of turning into the super soldier he now was. That was where he suffered his first loss: the lab was attacked and exploded, leading to Dr. Erskine's death.

Tony seemed happy to tell him all about his time parading around dressed as Captain America, performing with many pin-up girls to promote war effort. Romanov dryly interrupted him, claiming it wasn't the important part, and told him how he truly went to war after learning of Bucky's abduction. Tony's face sobered upon the mention of his best friend, but he assumed it was because the two met before Bucky's death.

(Now that he did the math, however, it wasn't impossible for his friend to still be alive. He'd be 102 years old if that was the case. But Tony wouldn't be sad, would he?)

Romanov summarized his efforts at the war and Tony off-handedly mentioned he and Peggy were pretty much in love. He raised his eyebrows at that; sure, he found Peggy an amazing lady, but he couldn't remember _falling in love_ with her. They must have worked together for quite some time.

According to Tony, in 1945 Bucky fell off a train, going MIA. Before he could ask whether his friend's body was found, the man told the story of how he fought Red Skull, a Nazi soldier and founder of HYDRA.

"I'm sorry", he interrupted, "but what is this HYDRA?"

Romanov took charge, explaining HYDRA's history as an organization that survived the fall of the Nazi regime at the end of the war. Tony went back to the fight against Red Skull, briefly explaining who he was, and told him about the Tesseract.

"It was… an alien artifact, so to speak. No one knows how it ended up here on Earth; our first reports on its existence come from HYDRA's files from war time. At the time, they wanted to use it as an infinite power source, but, according to _you_ , Red Skull got overly ambitious and tried to use it as a way to take over the world. If that sounds like what a cartoon villain would say, you are right, it does, but whatever. Anyway, you guys fought in an airplane that carried bombs aimed for New York and other cities.

"You were never really able to describe _what_ happened in that plane. All that you knew was that, one moment the guy was there, fighting, and next thing you see is a portal opening up from the Tesseract and Red Skull being sucked to it. Then you grabbed the plane's controls, despite having no training on it, and crashed it into the Arctic. According to my dad, you talked to Peggy over the controls until you went underwater. Even scheduled a dance, though you obviously missed it."

Tony then wisely paused, giving him time to process it all—time he truly needed. It was too much information in a short time.

So, Bucky died in 1945, long before Tony was born, given the man's looks. They never met, which left his sad face earlier even harder to interpret. His heart ached, and he couldn't tell whether it was from _past_ grief or _current_ grief. Steve Rogers was never supposed to outlive Bucky Barnes; it was _wrong_ for such a thing to happen.

Then comes Peggy. If they were in love, his supposed death must have crushed her. Did he stay reported as KIA for long? Taking into account what Romanov told him when he woke up—that he had lost roughly ten years of memories—it took decades for him to come back, in whatever way that happened. How did she move on? Did she stay in the Army? Did she succeed in her goals? Did she get married? Did she have kids?

Howard Stark clearly had at least a son, though he had yet to find out if he settled down. Tony seemed rich, so Stark Enterprise surely thrived. Did the company make the future Howard liked so much to claim he'd bring?

He already knew that, whenever the war ended, the US won, and Germany lost. However, one of the war's major players survived. What happened afterwards?

And this Tesseract… how did Tony know it was an alien object? Alien life was likely discovered at some point between 1943 and 2019, but when, how, where, what? Tony's voice tone and body language implied that said artifact's story was not finished. Did he come in contact with it again?

He clearly needed more information before he could actually understand the whole picture, so he asked for it.

Tony told him that, after the war ended, Howard and Peggy founded SHIELD, which was kind of derived from SSR (a name he _had_ heard of in 1943). "Unfortunately, my dad insisted on bringing a HYDRA scientist to SHIELD so they could uncover its secrets. He and Peggy believed HYDRA to be extinct at the time, but, with Zola's efforts, it regrew inside SHIELD."

"We didn't find out about that until decades later, though", Romanov said. " _You_ were among the ones to finally bring it down, but now is not the time for _this_ story."

"Yeah, we have like, seventy years to cover first", Tony said. "I don't think we'll be able to tell you everything today."

He and Romanov settled on telling him about world history events that happened between 1945 and 2011, the year he was rescued from the Arctic after being found alive. They skipped their own backstories, claiming they'd tell those on another day.

On that night, he couldn't say whether his dreams were fantasies or memories. He dreamed of Bucky falling, of himself falling inside a plane, of cold, of Peggy's red lips, of a shield.

* * *

Tony told his own story in the following morning. He was born in 1970, 25 years after Bucky's death. It saddened him to hear that Howard was busier mourning Steve than raising his son, although maybe it should be no surprise.

"I'm sorry", he said.

"For what? For my dad being pretty much in love with you?" Tony took a sip of whiskey. He was told he could no longer get drunk, but he took a sip from his own cup too anyway. "Not your fault, Cap. I have to admit I resented you for quite some time—it didn't help when we met—but really, what could you have done to prevent it? You were _dead_ , as far as we all knew."

Then he told him about Stark Industries and how he became Iron Man, but he stopped in 2012, right before they met. "We'll need more people for _that_ story and what came after. In fact, I'll call Romanov while I'll go fetch some friends."

Romanov— _Natasha_ , as she insisted to be called—showed up with lunch. "We can order food from anywhere nowadays. You liked this place after you woke up."

She told him about herself, the story of how she was raised by KGB (an organization he knew from her accounts on post-war Soviet Union) to be a spy and assassin (the Black Widow), and how she was saved by a dear friend, Clint Barton.

"He's known to the world as Hawkeye", she said. "You know him. We've all worked together, more than once."

"Where is he now?", he asked gently, but it was almost like he'd punched her. She looked down.

"A story for another day", she whispered. He must have died at some point, then.

When it seemed she wasn't going to say much else, he asked about Peggy, if she was still alive. She shook her head. "She died three years ago, in her sleep. You two stayed in touch until her passing, and you helped carry her coffin at her funeral."

Silence. And then, "I wish I could remember all this", he whispered, even though there was no need for low tones.

Natasha didn't answer.

* * *

The next day was… odd, to say the least.

At first, he met Doctor Banner again, and he told him about how he became the Hulk while trying to replicate his serum. "This happened way before you were found, so I had to start from zero. It didn't work as well as I hoped."

"From what I was told about Red Skull, I guess it could've been worse", he offered. Bruce smiled kindly.

Next to introduce himself was James Rhodes, Tony's best friend, known as War Machine. "I basically stole one of his suits while he was drinking himself to death, and then he let me keep it. It isn't that deep."

It was the first time since waking up that he laughed, though it was merely a chuckle.

After lunch, despite not ever being explicitly told about aliens, he met one. Thor, from Asgard—yes, like the Norse myth, which seemingly wasn't _really_ myth. "Asgardians call themselves gods", Natasha explained. "We never asked why, or whether they believed in a higher being, so just leave it be."

Thor was far from what he had expected from a godly warrior. The man was overweight, with a belly that reminded him of his drunken old neighbors. The others' facial expressions implied that he wasn't always like that.

"Captain, my Captain, good to see you alive and well!", he exclaimed with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "I was told by Stark that you've lost your memories, is that true?"

"So it seems", he replied with a polite smile of his own. "I woke up assuming it was 1943."

"Yeah, that's quite a lot of memories lost. What have you been told so far?"

"Hm… World history, everyone's stories save for yours… everything until 2012."

"Then we have _much_ to discuss."

Thor's story was long and full of details he didn't really want to know. The alien was over a thousand years old, and the others often had to remind him only the last decade was important to Steve's story.

It was more complicated than the stories he had heard so far, probably because it involved a different culture, but he managed to understand that his young brother Loki turned against him and his family after finding out he was adopted—or rather, kidnapped from his homeland—and he was the son of his father's archenemy. He also grasped that Thor met and fell in love with a woman from Earth, Jane Foster, a genius scientist.

"Now _our_ story begins", Tony said when Thor finished. "How we all came together!"

* * *

Explaining how the Avengers came to be was complex and tiresome, and Steve had trouble processing it all. It made Natasha's heart ache. Telling him about things he didn't live through was one thing, but talking about shared experiences as if he had never been there was harder than expected.

He was almost awed by their tale about the Chitauri invasion, a reaction so different than the one he had at the time. Tony told about how they fought almost immediately after meeting each other, and he _apologized_. She was certain Tony would have taken great delight under different circumstances. Now he was likely thinking the same she was: how would he react upon learning the Avengers broke off in 2016?

They took a dinner break after finishing talking about the year 2012. While eating, Thor told him about the Aether and how it came to Earth; a tale not as important to Steve's story but useful for when they'd reach Thanos' part. Tony seemingly spared him from the story of what happened to him after the Chitauri invasion, though he might have already said something the day before.

Then, it came her turn to talk. He could sense her tension, and even offered to finish the storytelling for tonight. "No, I'd rather tell you this as soon as possible", she said as gently as possible. "We can't move on without telling you this."

She took a deep breath. They had yet to tell him about the Decimation, something he wouldn't know even if he hadn't lost his memories; he didn't know most of those involved in the fall of HYDRA and SHIELD were gone.

"So, remember when I told you that you brought HYDRA down?" He nodded. "Well, I'll keep things simple for you. Things were already a little messy, but it all went down basically when we found out Barnes hadn't died in 1945."

She paused, letting that bit of information sink in. His eyes widened and he almost choked on air. "W-what?"

She bit her lip. Oh my, she was _not_ ready for this, but she had to try. "Tony and I told you about how you actually joined the war effort. Do you remember what we said?"

He nodded. "I went to Europe after learning of Bucky's abduction."

"Precisely. No one realized it at the time, not even Barnes himself, but he was injected with a version of _your_ serum. Needless to say, but if you survived being under the ice for seven decades, it's not far-fetched to think he could survive a fall from a train. And he did, though he lost an arm in the process.

"HYDRA found him, unfortunately, and took him back for experimenting. Long story short, they wiped him out of his memories and shaped him into becoming, essentially, a weapon. No free will, no mind of his own, no name, nothing. They used him to carry out many assassinations through the years, including an American president—"

"—and my parents", Tony added. "Dad had managed to replicate your serum, but HYDRA didn't want SHIELD to have it, so they sent the Winter Soldier—which was what they called Barnes—to kill him and Mom."

They took another pause when it was clear Steve wanted to cry. It reminded her of how crushed he was when he first found out what had happened to his best friend while he was under the ice. Before she could stop herself, she grabbed one of his hands; it was what she used to do when he looked distraught.

"But one look at you was enough to mess decades of HYDRA's work", she said softly. He looked at her, and she continued, "You said his name and, though he didn't recognize it—or you—at first, it triggered memory resurfacing. It was a slow process, which included a fight between you two, but when HYDRA fell, he had nowhere to go, so he ran away. He didn't remember enough of you to know he could have come to you safely, but he knew there were things about himself he had to learn, so he went on a journey of self-discovery. You tried to find him, but it took two years."

"It wasn't all you did, though", Banner said, and the group briefly told him of how they defeated a robot named Ultron, though not without casualties.

She could tell by Steve's expression that he sensed some things—important things—were missing in their storytelling. They've managed to talk without mentioning Sam, Wanda, Vision and many others so far.

She ended up letting Tony explain most of the conflict that led to the Avengers splitting. Steve didn't say a word, but he was clearly devastated by what he was hearing. He hadn't let go of her hand, so she squeezed it from time to time. When Tony finished the part of how they broke out of prison, she said, "You did what you thought was right, Steve."

He shook his head. "It doesn't mean I had to do… all of that. I'm fine with going against unjust laws, but none of you should have had to suffer because of my actions."

"We all had choices", Rhodey said. "And we've all made them. Yeah, maybe there were better ways to deal with our differences—the fight in the airport was honestly _ridiculous_ , now that I'm looking back—but what is done is done. If you don't like what past you did… well, make peace of it and make new choices now."

Tony turned to his best friend. "I think", he said, "this is the deepest I've ever seen of you. Rhodey the Wise."

"Asshole", he retorted, but he was grinning. "Don't get used to it."

She turned to Steve to see him looking intently at her. She looks back, waiting for him to ask whatever was troubling him. He finally conceded. "What happened afterwards? You were with me, weren't you?"

She nodded. "But this is a story for tomorrow." She was not ready to talk about the years they spent on the run, mostly because she'd be forced to mention Sam and Wanda.

He nodded back and stood up, letting go of her hand. She felt a little colder without his touch, but shook that though away. It was not time for that. They bid their 'good nights' and retired to their rooms.

* * *

His sleep was filled with dreams. They seemed, at first glance, disconnected from one another, and a bit nonsense, but the images and sounds felt _familiar_ , as if they were memories.

_Bucky falls from a train. Next thing, he's trying to get drunk, failing miserably. Then, a crowded avenue. He is running away from bullets. A black man is with him; he looks lost. A white woman with long red hair, and she seems to know what's happening. A masked man with a metal arm shows up. The mask falls, and it's Bucky. Impossible!... Right?_

_Everything changes rather fast. A robot with a deep voice, taunting everyone around him. Two teenagers are at its side, a red-haired girl and a silver-haired boy. They feel familiar, but he can't recall from where. Another robot shows up, a red one with a glowing yellow thing on his forehead. 'Vision', it calls itself._

_Another change. A black man, seemingly older than the first one, is in a surgery table. He dies, but soon he's alive again. He has an eyepatch, as if he is a pirate. A woman follows him around. He looks important._

_Then, a man hugs a pregnant woman. Two kids, a boy and a girl, hug their legs. Toys are spread on the floor, and, as he walks, he steps on some of them. He walks to a window, where he sees trees. He doesn't know where he is, but it looks peaceful. He turns around, and the scene changes. The same man is standing on the top of a building, dressed in purple leather and carrying a bow. He shoots an arrow down, and something explodes._

_He blinks, and he's in a street full of wrecked cars. A giant green monster roars. 'Hulk, smash', he hears himself say, and the scene changes._

_He sees the white red-haired woman again. She's standing in front of a mirror, cutting her hair. Soon he realizes the woman is Natasha. She turns to him and grins. 'If you're going to stand there all day', she remarks, 'you could at least help me'._

_Then, there is a van. The man with bow and arrow opens it to reveal another man, who jumps out and greets him excitedly, as if he's meeting his idol. Maybe that's the case. He hears two names, 'Scott Lang' and 'Ant-Man'. Then, he's in an airport, and a kid in costume introduces himself as Spider-Man, giving no other name. He's from Queens, that much he reveals._

_Then he's greeting Bucky. He looks happy, but not for long. Flash forward, and a huge monster army is charging at them. Aliens? He can't say, but they are deadly, and there is no other option but to fight. So he does._

_And he loses._

* * *

As Natasha told him the story of how they spent two years on the run, he couldn't help but feel two things.

One, she was purposefully _not_ telling him everything. Something huge was missing, but he couldn't guess what.

Two, did he have feelings for her? There were times, on these days, that it felt like they had been together—romantically speaking—at some point. She was also the only person that actually sparked some visceral reaction in him, as if, deep down, he remembered her.

He'd catch himself looking at a specific detail on her face, or noticing the way she did certain things. When the others talked or moved, it was all new to him, but with Natasha, it felt like… homecoming.

Had his past self been in love with her?

His current memories tell him nothing of being in love with anyone; otherwise, he'd be able to better interpret the signs. He was sure he had felt _something_ for Natasha, but what? Were they best friends, as he and Bucky had once been? Has he loved her from afar? Have they ever dated?

He almost interrupted her to ask these questions many times, but always refrained himself. If they were only friends, insinuating he used to feel something more for her without being sure of it would only make things awkward. If they had been lovers, she likely didn't want to tell him that while he had no recollections of their relationship. It was better if he waited a bit longer for his memories to come back.

Not that he was thrilled at the prospect. His life after the serum didn't look the happiest. When the group reunited to tell him about Thanos, Infinity Stones and the Decimation—including a revelation of people who had been a part of his life in the past decade but were victims of the universe-scaled tragedy—he concluded that maybe it would be better if he just moved on and focused on making new memories.

When he told Natasha about it, however, her face deflated, as much as she tried to hide it. _Maybe I could try to get back my memories about her, at least._

* * *

_Four years later_

A part of Tony wonders, shouldn't it have been him instead? He had a suit that _could_ have protected him from the Stones' destructive power. He had a chance of survival, even if small.

But then, maybe Steve _didn't_ want said chance. It made sense; the man clearly did not know how to live without Natasha, not since he woke up from his coma four years ago.

Cap never recovered, not fully. Sometimes he'd remember a few random things; flashes of disconnected events. Overall, though, all he knew from his past was what they had told him. He didn't seem to mind, though; he even told Tony once he had little desire to remember so many bad things.

He moved to the headquarters with Natasha, and one day they announced they were dating. Steve looked in love—which was weird, but it made _sense_ , him loving Nat. After dating for two years, he proposed to her, and Tony was even his best man at the small wedding.

Then, Scott Lang showed up, back from the dead. Tony was in the building, paying a visit to the couple, so he heard Scott's ideas on time travel first hand. He hesitated, and it took awhile for them to build something concrete and useful out of it, but it _worked_ ; they figured out time travel.

When it came down to deciding _when_ they'd travel to, it was Natasha who narrowed their search down to three time frames: 2012, 2013 and 2014. Since he feared sending Steve to a place where he'd find his past self would confuse him and delay the mission, he and Nat agreed he should go to a new place, and so the Rogers-Romanov couple were responsible for retrieving the Soul Stone in 2014 Vormir, while Tony, Bruce, Scott and Clint headed to 2012 to retrieve Space, Mind and Time Stones.

Oh, if only he knew what was going to happen. Of course, none of them realized the danger until it was too late. Steve came back with the Stone, but without Natasha. "There was a guardian", he explained. "He recognized me, and introduced himself as Red Skull, the bad guy you told me about, Tony. I think he was surprised to see me alive and without memories, but he looked like an empty shell of whatever he had been. Anyway, he told us that we had to sacrifice the one we loved. A soul for a soul, he said. Nat and I fought, and I nearly made it the fatal jump, but she was faster and more skilled than me."

He cried on Tony's shoulder, and it seemed like he had done this already, in Vormir. Afterwards, he was completely focused on the mission and nothing else. Not even Bucky's return moved him. _It was a sign_ , he realizes it now. _His world ended when Natasha died._

In the midst of battle, though, he had no time to think about it, or to pay attention to Cap's actions. Then Thanos was about to snap again, this time to erase _the whole universe_ , and Strange lifted one finger, and he thought he knew what was going to happen. He knew what to do. And he did it; he distracted Thanos long enough to steal the Stones and place them on his personal gauntlet.

He never expected Steve to grab said gauntlet from his hands and snap himself.

Poor man lasted long enough only for Tony and Bucky to bid him goodbye. Not even Sam reached him in time. Tony sees it as a blessing; Sam would not be prepared to watch Steve's lack of recognition.

Clint delivered the Stones back to where they found them, and managed to retrieve Nat's body. Then, they had a joint funeral for the married couple. Now Tony is about to dismount the time machine; none of them have any use for the thing.

Or, that's what he thinks until Bucky approaches him. "Stark", he calls, but his voice is so low he almost misses it.

"Hey, Barnes", he greets back.

The former assassin bits his lip, as if nervous. Maybe he is. "I want to ask for a favor." He nods, and he continues, "The guys told me about Steve, and about your mission. I… do you still have those particles that allow you to travel back in time?"

Pym Particles, he means. "Yes, I have a lot of them. Why?" He has a feeling he _knows_ what Bucky wants, but he needs confirmation.

"I want to travel back", he answers. "For good. 1945, probably."

Before he can stop it, Tony's face softens. "Do you have any plans?"

Barnes nods. "Doctor Banner said nothing I do there will affect here, so I'd be free to do whatever I want. I was thinking… I know where Steve was found. I could talk to your father, see if we can rescue him sooner. Dismantle HYDRA before it grows, and retrieve my other self before he can do damage. Maybe we can spend our lives as twins." He looks down. "I also thought of going to 2011. Fix things this century instead. Point is, I want a better life for us. Not just Steve and I, but all of us."

Good thing he came while the time machine is still up and working. "Okay. I'll give you a suit and a few particles. I'll show you how it works. You have time to make a more precise plan of action. The machine will be waiting for you."

He blinks. "Really? You won't… try to stop me?"

"Why would I do that? You found a chance to rewrite your life, I'm not going to deny it to you."

It's the first time he ever sees Barnes smile, and it's sad to think it'll probably be the last, but it's fine. With luck, this Bucky will smile more in whatever alternate timeline he creates.

Pepper and Morgan call him, and he excuses himself. As he heads back home, he thinks alternate Steve will be happier too, hopefully. He deserves it.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally intended to be longer, but I thought it would be too tiresome to read. If you are ever interested in a companion piece about what happened in the four-year skip, feel free to ask and make suggestions. Feedback is always appreciated!


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